I have tried very hard to not give into the extreme discouragement that is knocking at the door of my heart.

I have ignored the pounding of it as it bangs on that door every day. It bangs even louder at night.

I have tried to fight back tears as they flood to my eyes.

I have tried to ignore the discomforts that have come into my life as a result of this disease. The pain of numbness in my face. If you don’t understand that numbness can cause pain then count yourself blessed. The sick feeling resulting from constantly being dizzy. The painful muscle cramps in both of my calves that occurs several times throughout the day–every day.

Yes, I have tried.

I have cried.

I have prayed.

Today, discouragement won. It beat me down enough that I had no strength left to fight.

Then I beat myself up for it. And have been beating myself up for it all day and into tonight.

The frustrating part of it all is, I know God has this. He is in control completely.

I know these things, yet I give into discouragement anyway. I wish I didn’t. I wish I lived out the trust I have in my heart. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and start the last few days over again.

But wishing on a star doesn’t guarantee it being granted.

I guess I just pick myself up, go on, and try again tomorrow. Only this time, hopefully I’ll remember to lean harder on God than on myself.


About becmom45

Wife of one, mom of four, mom-in-law to two, grammy to one precious little boy; lover of snow, autumn, pumpkins, cats, books, baking, Charles Wysocki puzzles, Christmas; honest, raw author who hopes what is written here enlightens and educates those fortunate enough to not understand the demons chronicled.
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