Have you ever been in a place in life where you look at your circumstances or your attitude or your actions and it hits you hard between the eyes that you’ve blown it? I mean, really messed up?
That’s where I am tonight. Again.
I’ve been here before. It feels like a punch to the stomach, one hard enough to take the wind out of me. But this is not a physical consequence. This is the feeling of a spiritual consequence. And it makes me angry at myself for once again, I have let God down.
I have not trusted even though God’s Word tells me, “The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want.”
I have been paralyzed with fear even though God tells me “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid neither be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
I have been laden with a burden, holding onto it like it is a security blanket, when God tells me, “Come to me you who are weary and I will give you rest.” and “Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you.”
I have wandered, not knowing which direction I am even heading when God tells me, “In all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths.”
Once again, I am guilty of neglecting God’s words and listening instead to words that are not from Him. These words tell me, “You are a failure.” “God could never love you after you have let him down so many times.” “Just give up. God has forgotten about you.” “God can’t (or won’t) heal you. You deserve this.” All these voices scream that I have failed yet again.
My head knows these voices are lies. My head knows that God can work all things for my good. My head knows that God is greater than all that is in this world.
But for some reason, the path from my head to my heart has been blocked and these lies aren’t being converted to truth in my heart. Is it okay to cry yet again over my failures and repent? Is it really repentance when I have to repent yet again of the same things? My heart says God understands I am a mere human. It says God loves and accepts because God is love.
Now my head needs to hear that…yet again.