If you are reading this, then you follow my blog and most likely get notified via e-mail when I post. Normally, my entries automatically post to Facebook as well, but for this one, I turned that feature off. My reasoning behind that is because this post is in no way uplifting, encouraging, or even something I am proud of. But, as with so many things in my life, if I don’t get the words out somehow, I am unable to start making sense of my thoughts.
Today was a very difficult day. I’ve had many of those lately, and honestly, I am getting tired of them. I am so tired of them, in fact, that today, for the first time in a while, I seriously did not want to live. I wasn’t even convinced that anyone would miss me if I weren’t around. Unless one has been in this state of mind, there is NO way one can fully understand how the mind just takes over any logical thought processes. The mind really is a battlefield, and for me, it is a CONSTANT battle.
That battle makes me hate myself. I mean that very literally. I HATE myself.
I hate that I get so jealous when others get what I would love but will most likely never have.
I hate that I worry to the point of making myself sick.
I hate that everyone around me has a wonderful group of friends who enjoy getting together.
I hate that I am suspicious of people and have a hard time trusting–even my husband.
I hate how my mind conjures up scenarios that I am sure “could” happen while my husband is out of town on business.
I hate how I let God down time and time again.
I could go on. I wish I was a better person. I cry so many tears. I pray so many prayers. And God is silent.
I see stories of people going through very difficult times and their faith is strong. And mine sucks. And I wish so much I could be like them.
I hate that I sometimes doubt if there is even a God or if he cares about me at all.
As I think back over the course of the day, I realize that one of the MAJOR contributing factors to my hatred of the above things is social media. With the click of a mouse, I instantly am bombarded with images of people having fun, being with family or friends, being happy, etc. I scroll through and see nothing but happy, happy, happy, and I look at myself and see nothing but misery. And the tears come hard and fast and the mind wanders to wonder why I am even here.
I have thought about dropping off of all social media. I still may, but there are some things I would miss so much. For example, during a bad day this week, a dear friend posted a video of her two darling little monkeys–who I happen to LOVE SO SO much–to my wall. I smiled and cried at the same time because I miss them so much. What I wouldn’t have given for a hug that day from them. I would miss that. I would miss being part of Bible studies. I need that since I don’t really have that option right now. I would miss the encouragement that I often get from those I’ve never met. Funny that women I have never met in person seem to be closer friends than so many I have met in person. (I wonder if they did meet me in person if they’d avoid me? I won’t go there right now.) I would miss the posts of my kids and pictures from their lives lived hundreds of miles away from me.
No, I can’t completely drop out of social media; however, I am scaling WAY back as of tonight, I am uninstalling Facebook from my phone so it will not be as accessible. I will keep Twitter since it doesn’t impact me like FB does.
This just needs to happen. I hope that doing this will give me back some sanity–some feeling that my life isn’t as bad when I’m not comparing to everyone else’s.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see if that holds true.