Those two words use my mind as a playground. Especially at night.
Life is pretty messy right now. Some of the mess is my own doing. Some of the mess is caused by the choices of others. Some of the mess is just because this world is messed up and I happen to live in it.
To be honest–and this is not something I admit to lightly or proudly–I don’t want to live in this world anymore. In fact, I so desperately want to get out from under the mess and pain that I have actually envisioned doing just that. I have run the fallout of that decision through my mind as well. I have considered the effects of that decision on those closest to me. I have thought about the effects of that decision on those who know me but aren’t necessarily a big part of my life.
The effects would most likely far outweigh the relief I would get from that action. It doesn’t take me long to see that. I don’t need someone to tell me how this would impact those around me.
Still, the thought of staying under this pain is almost too much for my heart to take. By choosing to remain under it, I am choosing to have to live with said pain.
And that’s when the “what if” question starts to creep in.
What if these issues are never resolved?
What if people judge me for the actions of others?
What if people just don’t care?
But the biggest “what if” that is going through my head right now is one I just don’t know what to do with.
What if God just doesn’t care? What if God has just given up on this mess called my life? What if I can’t get past these hurts and pain?
This is a crossroads of faith. I have to choose which direction I am going to go. The wrong choice could make things worse than they already are. And if you know me at all, you know that I’m just not that good at making the correct choices. A few years of alcoholism proves that.
Is it okay to admit I am scared? Is it okay to admit that I am tired? Is it okay to admit that I really want to do the right thing but am not sure I have the strength to do the right thing? (I know what the right thing is–that is not the issue) Is it okay to admit that I’m not sure where God is right now? I know people will say, “Oh Becky, God is right there with you.” Please. Don’t say that to me. Because part of me knows that but part of me REALLY wants–NEEDS–to feel His presence. I need God to show up in a very big way so that it is unmistakeable to me that He IS HERE–He IS in CONTROL and He CAN work all things for GOOD. It’s that last one that is really tripping me up right now. Because I don’t see how any of this can be worked for good. Maybe God’s definition of good is different than mine?
I need you, God. I NEED you. I hurt–and I’m tired of hurting.