So this is it.
This is what it feels like.
For many years I tried to imagine this day.
To be honest, though, what I did imagine did not look anything like what is actual reality right now.
I envisioned time to be alone. When one is a mom to four children under the age of five, there is definitely no alone time to be had. I remember thinking a shower when my husband was home to supervise the kids being a taste of heaven.
Now I have all kinds of alone time.
And I am lonely.
I envisioned time to read books that I enjoyed. Don’t get me wrong, I loved reading to my kids, but a person can only take so much Dr. Seuss or Berenstein Bears before beginning to feel a little crazy.
Now I have all kinds of time to read.
And I can’t focus as long as I used to be able to. Stupid disease.
I envisioned having time to be in my kitchen, doing my favorite activity–baking.
Now I have all kinds of time to bake.
And there is no one here to eat it all before it is stale.
A bird makes a nest for its young. When the little ones fly away, the nest is abandoned–no longer needed. Momma bird is no longer needed.
My nest is, for the most part, empty. The one left works a full time job and has a girlfriend–I seldom see him. And he is looking to move to a place of his own as well. It is time for him to do so and it is natural as well. I know that. I understand that. I just don’t like it.
I have few friends and the few I do have, still have kids at home to keep them busy.
This empty nest thing? This isn’t at all what I thought it would be. If this is all there is for me now, I’m not sure I really want to continue.
There doesn’t seem to be much left for me here.