Have you ever felt an uneasiness somewhere deep inside that continually rises to the surface? An uneasiness that is oppressive enough to almost be palpable yet one that you can’t figure out from where it originates?
That feeling is overwhelming me tonight.
Words are bouncing around in my brain. Words such as, “I can’t stand the person I am.” “Why can’t I change?” “Why do so many others seem to get it and I just can’t?”
After church today, my husband and I got together with someone from church to talk. We both consider this person as trustworthy and wise, and we needed someone like that to talk through some things with us. The food was good; the conversation was hard. I came away from the few hours spent with thoughts swirling, my world seemingly turned upside down. There are difficult and emotional decisions that need to be made. The first thing I said to my husband as we got into our car was, “I wish God had made humans without emotions.” It shouldn’t come as a surprise that one who struggles with things like depression and anxiety would also struggle with emotions.
You see, I want to be a different person. I’m talking about a different person on the inside. Don’t get me wrong–if given the opportunity for a complete body makeover, I would jump at it in a heartbeat. As I’ve noted before, the mirror and I? Yeah. We’re not good friends. But today my desire was to change the inside me–the me that no one can really see. And yet, that me is manifested in whatever I do so most likely the idea that no one can see that is a myth. Regardless, I wish I could change it. The reason I want to change that part of me, though, isn’t because I want people to like me. The reason I want to change the inside me is…
I desire for God to like me.
Now, before you decide to blast me with phrases such as, “God loves you just the way you are” or “God created you to be who you are” please know that I already know that. Most of the time I even believe it. This is different than that. And that is where the uneasiness comes in.
It’s different, but I don’t know quite how. There’s a heaviness about these feelings that make them different than those that are usually associated with the above phrases. Maybe it is because at the core, as much as I may not like it, I am an emotional being. Those emotions allow me to laugh at something funny, but they also cause me to fight back tears when asked in a restaurant over lunch, “How are you doing emotionally?” And I can’t answer because I am desperately trying to hide the emotions bubbling to the surface that I don’t want him to see. I’m trying to hide the fact that I want to cry because I feel like such a failure when the conversation turns to things that need to be done–and I am physically unable to do them right now. I blink hard and look down to avoid eye contact with one who truly cares and desires to help.
“God has a plan. Your life may not look like you thought it would, but God is still there and will use even this.” I hear the words and I so desperately want to take them to heart, to feed on them, and to allow them to soothe the pain inside.
But all I get is uneasiness…and the desire to change and be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better Christian.
Maybe it starts with the desire. Maybe the desire is what God will use to start changing me to be
selfless instead of selfish
content instead of greedy
prayerful instead of neglectful
loving instead of unloving
encouraging instead of discouraging…
restful and at peace instead of uneasy.