Dissatisfied

Have you ever felt an uneasiness somewhere deep inside that continually rises to the surface? An uneasiness that is oppressive enough to almost be palpable yet one that you can’t figure out from where it originates?

That feeling is overwhelming me tonight.

Words are bouncing around in my brain. Words such as, “I can’t stand the person I am.” “Why can’t I change?” “Why do so many others seem to get it and I just can’t?”

After church today, my husband and I got together with someone from church to talk. We both consider this person as trustworthy and wise, and we needed someone like that to talk through some things with us. The food was good; the conversation was hard. I came away from the few hours spent with thoughts swirling, my world seemingly turned upside down. There are difficult and emotional decisions that need to be made. The first thing I said to my husband as we got into our car was, “I wish God had made humans without emotions.” It shouldn’t come as a surprise that one who struggles with things like depression and anxiety would also struggle with emotions.

You see, I want to be a different person. I’m talking about a different person on the inside. Don’t get me wrong–if given the opportunity for a complete body makeover, I would jump at it in a heartbeat. As I’ve noted before, the mirror and I? Yeah. We’re not good friends. But today my desire was to change the inside me–the me that no one can really see. And yet, that me is manifested in whatever I do so most likely the idea that no one can see that is a myth. Regardless, I wish I could change it. The reason I want to change that part of me, though, isn’t because I want people to like me. The reason I want to change the inside me is…

I desire for God to like me.

Now, before you decide to blast me with phrases such as, “God loves you just the way you are” or “God created you to be who you are” please know that I already know that. Most of the time I even believe it. This is different than that. And that is where the uneasiness comes in.

It’s different, but I don’t know quite how. There’s a heaviness about these feelings that make them different than those that are usually associated with the above phrases. Maybe it is because at the core, as much as I may not like it, I am an emotional being. Those emotions allow me to laugh at something funny, but they also cause me to fight back tears when asked in a restaurant over lunch, “How are you doing emotionally?” And I can’t answer because I am desperately trying to hide the emotions bubbling to the surface that I don’t want him to see. I’m trying to hide the fact that I want to cry because I feel like such a failure when the conversation turns to things that need to be done–and I am physically unable to do them right now. I blink hard and look down to avoid eye contact with one who truly cares and desires to help.

“God has a plan. Your life may not look like you thought it would, but God is still there and will use even this.” I hear the words and I so desperately want to take them to heart, to feed on them, and to allow them to soothe the pain inside.

But all I get is uneasiness…and the desire to change and be a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better Christian.

Maybe it starts with the desire. Maybe the desire is what God will use to start changing me to be

selfless instead of selfish

content instead of greedy

prayerful instead of neglectful

loving instead of unloving

encouraging instead of discouraging…

restful and at peace instead of uneasy.

 

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About becmom45

Wife of one, mom of four, mom-in-law to two, grammy to one precious little boy; lover of snow, autumn, pumpkins, cats, books, baking, Charles Wysocki puzzles, Christmas; honest, raw author who hopes what is written here enlightens and educates those fortunate enough to not understand the demons chronicled.
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4 Responses to Dissatisfied

  1. Griffin Kerr says:

    I know I am a stranger. I know I may not be worth your time. But if you could spare, I’d like your honest opinion: can we change the person who we are on the inside?

    • becmom45 says:

      Just because you may be a stranger doesn’t mean you aren’t worth my time. Pertaining to your question, honestly, no, I don’t believe WE can change the person who we are on the inside. BUT, I do believe GOD can change the person we are on the inside. He may not change us to be exactly who we think we should be, but He is always refining us to be more like Him. A great book I have read on this subject is “I Really Want to Change, so Help me God” by James MacDonald. If we think who we are is who we have always been and therefore how we will always be, then we may make excuses for the wrong things we do by saying, “Well, that’s just how I’ve always been.” God desires change. Change is painful sometimes but in the long run it is for our good…and His glory

      • Griffin Kerr says:

        Thank you for sharing that with me. I agree, I do believe that because of Christ’s suffering and God’s power they can change us. Help us become who they can see us as. The hard part I think is having the faith to trust that all the experiences that we are facing, whether joyful or challenging, is God shaping us and molding us into something greater than we would have imagined on our own. I often find myself justifying with that exact excuse, “That’s just how I’ve always been” or “That’s just who I am.” Thank you for confirming with me that those really are just excuses and the God wants me to be better and that with God I can be better. Do you get your religious beliefs from a specific denomination or do you rely on your own life experiences to determine God’s path for you?

      • becmom45 says:

        I don’t belong to a specific denomination, although I was brought up in one. My earliest beliefs were shaped by those teachings, and, to be honest, the last several years have been spent untangling those teachings to sort out the truth from the falsehood. It has not been an easy process. Determining God’s path for me doesn’t really stem from my belief system but rather from what God’s Word says. In areas where His Word is silent, I struggle a lot more in knowing if I am doing the right thing or not. Like everyone else, mine is a journey with choices to make as I go along. I am learning, slowly, that I am free to make a choice and trust that God will not only be with me on the road I choose, but that He will also work out my choice for my good and His glory.

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