Sometimes I forget.
I forget that not everyone understands the way I think. That could be a good thing though.
I forget that not everyone knows the difficulty that comes with living with multiple health issues.
I forget that there are people who say they care and really mean it.
I forget that allowing those people into my life means letting down a guard that has been in place for so long. It’s a risk.
Speaking of risk, I’ve never been one to shy away from a thrill. I have bungee jumped, climbed heights that would make some queasy, and handled the most daring amusement park rides and roller coasters like they were kiddie rides. I love those kinds of thrills even at my old grandma age.
There is one risk, though, that I’ve never been really good at. That risk is letting down the wall that protects my heart. I’ve definitely made progress in this area. At one time in my life I would never have gotten up in front of people to talk. In the last few years, though, I have done that on a few occasions. I stood in front of a group of moms (most I did not know) and recounted the difficulties and the miracle that is our marriage story. I sat in front of a video camera and told the story of how God rescued me from myself and agreed to have that video shown on a Sunday in church. I got into a pool to be baptized in front of our church family. This morning, I took one more step in the direction of letting down that wall. This morning I stood during a very heavy but moving church service and shared something that was heavy on my heart in order to allow others to pray for the situation.
That’s a good thing, right?
Well, kind of. You see, I was honest in speaking of the situation. What I wasn’t completely honest in was my reaction to the situation. Don’t misunderstand–I was not dishonest. I just did not share the state of where my heart has been for the last several weeks. Had I been honest this morning, I would have admitted the depth of depression that I have been wrestling with on a nearly daily basis. I would have allowed myself to be vulnerable outside of a computer screen, around actual people who most likely would have cared and prayed for me. But I passed up the opportunity to be prayed for. I don’t know if it was that I consciously didn’t want to, or if I simply couldn’t say much more than I did for fear of totally losing it emotionally. Regardless, I know I did myself a disservice by not being completely transparent regarding the depth of the pit I have been stuck in.
There’s something else I forget though. And it’s something that is very important for me to remember.
I forget that God already knows the depth of my despair. I forget that even though others may not know (or possibly care), God does know and He does care. And, He is the only One who can completely heal me of the physical and emotional pain that have been plaguing me. God hasn’t let go of me even though sometimes it feels like He has. I forget that God has put me in this place at this time for a reason…to do a work in me that He won’t neglect until it is done. His Word promises that.
Maybe, in time, I will be able to completely take down the wall that protects a heart that is so fearful of letting others in to see the whole truth. I know I have taken steps in the right direction. Baby steps, but steps none the less. I can only imagine the freedom that will come when energy spent protecting my heart’s wall is no longer needed for that purpose.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6)