Depression–Again

I am tired of depression. Tired of the grip it has on me.

I am tired of the tears it brings. Every. Day. At least lately that has been the case.

I am tired of waking up and wondering why I woke up.

I am tired of asking God to please heal me of it but healing doesn’t come.

I am tired of being a burden to my family.

I don’t want to go on anymore.

But I don’t want to quit either.

I don’t want to give depression–actually satan–the win.

I want to believe God is bigger and stronger than anything that happens on this earth, including depression.

I want to say that with God’s help, I can overcome whatever He allows into my life.

I have lived with this long enough to know most likely it will get better. That it’s just a season–again. I know it does not define me. God would not put that label on me.

If you’ve never been in this place, please don’t lecture me with all the well meaning words that may be forming in your mind as you read this. Depression is my battle. It is big and strong and, right now at least, daily. It seeks to destroy everything about me. That is how I know it is not from God. I don’t blame God for my depression. What I struggle with is why God has chosen to leave it as part of my life…especially knowing its deadly potential.

But He has. For His reasons, whatever they may be, He has.

And that hurts. And confuses.

The words of a song, though, replay in my head during the darkest times:

“Even if the healing doesn’t come,
And life falls apart and dreams are still undone,
You are good, you are God, forever faithful One,
Even if the healing doesn’t come.”

The healing hasn’t come. Thirty-some years of dealing with this beast. I am weary. I am lonely. Depression is a lonely path. And scary at times.

Paul the Apostle was denied healing from something as well. God told him that His grace would be sufficient for Paul. My prayer today, over and over, is that God’s grace would be sufficient for me as well.

Grace…
to get through the moments when life seems to be too much…
to get through the darkest moments knowing that light must be up ahead somewhere…
to eventually come out of the pit of depression and walk in victory, knowing God was with me all along.

Soon. I pray the light appears soon.

In the meantime, I will carry on the best I can. It is the only right and obedient choice I have.

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About becmom45

Wife of one, mom of four, mom-in-law to two, grammy to one precious little boy; lover of snow, autumn, pumpkins, cats, books, baking, Charles Wysocki puzzles, Christmas; honest, raw author who hopes what is written here enlightens and educates those fortunate enough to not understand the demons chronicled.
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