For a while now, I’ve been enveloped in a thick, oppressive darkness. Each time I think that it just can’t get any darker, something happens to prove me wrong. I’ve stopped thinking that I am at the lowest point I can go. I have written before about my love/hate relationship with Facebook. A few weeks ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. I managed to stay away for roughly two weeks.
I wish I had stayed away forever.
As I signed back on one evening, while on a trip that was supposed to be helping the ever present darkness, I saw news that not only shattered my world, but brought even more darkness to it. It goes without saying that the benefits that were supposed to come from my time away, were washed out to sea with the waves of the tide. Since then, the cold fingers of the oppressive darkness have only tightened their grip around my throat, choking out the little life I had left in me.
As I’ve struggled to survive, I have posted words on Facebook that I probably should not have posted. I have been scolded and rebuked for them. The fact of the matter is, these words are my feelings, and feelings can’t be wrong. They are real whether or not someone else agrees with them or not. Some people chose a different route, telling me I am still needed on this earth.
Pardon my language, but those words are bullshit.
There was a time when I was needed. I’ve written extensively about this in posts describing the difficulties I’ve had adjusting to an empty nest. The reality now is I am not really needed. I’ve been told my kids still need me, just in different way. Really? What way would that be? Obviously, they don’t need me physically anymore. They don’t need me to cook for them or drive them places. I’m sure if asked, each of them would say they still need me, but when pressed to give specific reasons as to why, they probably would fumble to come up with an answer.
Because the bottom line is I am not needed by them.
Then there’s church. Well, I haven’t been in church in a couple months and all seems to be going just fine there. Most haven’t even noticed that I’ve been gone. It isn’t like I have much to offer there either.
If I had to say I was needed, I would say that in some ways, my husband still needs me. He would most certainly survive if I weren’t around, but he says he needs my companionship. I also have two cats. One is diabetic and needs an insulin shot two times a day. I’m sure if I weren’t here, my husband would figure out how to give those shots, but cats need people to care for them. They aren’t going to get their own food in the morning. I’d like to say my little grandson needs me, but at this point that wouldn’t be completely true. He will be leaving our area soon (and taking with him a very large chunk of my heart). He will still have his mom and dad and will be living around other relatives. He is too young to remember me and all the fun things we have done together. Apparently, he doesn’t need me either.
The problem is, I need him. The day I have to say goodbye to him will be the beginning of the end for me.
I need my kids. I need to know they still care even though they seldom call (unless they need something).
I need my husband. He is the provider for our family since I have no skills to offer anyone that would amount to a decent job.
Maybe I’m just too needy and should figure out a way to be so independent that I don’t need anyone. Maybe then I wouldn’t get hurt over and over again.
Anyone know how to go about getting to that point?