The Beginnings of Shattering

Image result for spidering glass

Loneliness has become my new best friend.

It’s probably a good thing, though, since I’ve pretty much lost all my other friends.

Maybe this is how my life has always been destined to be spent.

Alone.

This morning, I counted the number of nights my husband has been gone in the past 3 months. That total was 30 nights. That’s equivalent to an entire month. He loves his job and he is good at it. I’ve tried to tell him he would be better off without me in his life.

I have two weeks left before my world falls apart.

My heart is already starting to shatter. A pebble when thrown from the tire of a passing car causes an innocent looking nick in a windshield, you know that nick is only going to start to spread until the windshield is worthless.

The nick has been getting bigger for a while, yet so many people think they have the right to tell me how to feel.

This morning, I contemplated returning to church. I couldn’t do it. I feel like I don’t belong there and am not welcome there anymore. I retreated to the safest place I have right now–my bed–where sleep provides the only escape from the constant pain and heartache. The two creatures who care the most for me right now, my cats, laid close by, content that I was sleeping away a beautiful fall day–a day that could have held memory making activities.

But when the glass is close to shattering, it’s best to not put any more strain on it than necessary.

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About becmom45

Wife of one, mom of four, mom-in-law to two, grammy to one precious little boy; lover of snow, autumn, pumpkins, cats, books, baking, Charles Wysocki puzzles, Christmas; honest, raw author who hopes what is written here enlightens and educates those fortunate enough to not understand the demons chronicled.
This entry was posted in Change, CHURCH, death, depression, famiy, Grandma, Grandson, loneliness, marriage, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Beginnings of Shattering

  1. I understand trying to look on the bright side of loneliness. I’ve been where you are…accepting being alone because you don’t think anything can change. But I promise you it can. I actually liked being lonely and I didn’t want to change, but I was still able to, and I don’t like being lonely, and I am able to be social now. I hope that made sense!

    • becmom45 says:

      Thank you for your comment. It definitely made sense. I’ve always been pretty much a loner, but only recently has the loneliness felt like a prison that I need to get used to. Maybe change will happen for me at some point.

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