Many people have what we refer to as pet peeves. These are behaviors that a person does, whether consciously or unconsciously, that drive another person crazy. There are far too many examples to list, but I imagine anyone reading this could name a few of their own pet peeves.
I am no exception.
I remember posting a Facebook status about one of my pet peeves–people driving under or just at the speed limit in the left lane. I like to drive above the speed limit. It isn’t hard to figure out that the left lane is supposed to be the faster lane. I admit to bouts of road rage as I “encourage ” the pokey person to get out of my way.
Recently, a new pet peeve has been added to my list. This one is difficult because I think people usually mean well but fail to realize their words are having an opposite effect.
Last week my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson my only grandchild) moved. My heart is broken. Having my grandson close by, being asked to watch him for a few hours or keep him overnight made me feel needed again. Now that they are no longer living close enough to see on a regular basis, I feel unloved and unneeded. Whether that is actually true or not is irrelevant to this broken heart. So many people have said that I can visit him.
Duh. Of course I can visit him. But that is nowhere near the same as living close enough to see him multiple times a week. He won’t remember me. He may not give me a big smile like he did when he came to my house so often. I can’t rock him to sleep since he won’t be spending nights here.
It’s nowhere near the same. I’m not needed anymore, at least not like I used to be. I feel God is punishing me…maybe even doesn’t love me anymore. I miss my daughter. I will miss out on so much of my grandson’s life now. I never had grandparents as a child. I so wanted to be the grandma I never had. Now I won’t get that chance.
Visiting, even once a month, is just not the same as being involved in his life. The hurt right now is raw. I have on more than one occasion fought the very strong urge to just give up on life. In fact, I am writing this because I was laying in bed thinking how useless I am now. I write to distract myself this morning. It isn’t eloquent. It isn’t uplifting. It is real and painful and raw. I miss him beyond words and already have a visit planned. Still, I would give my life right now to drive the 20 minutes I used to drive just to get some baby snuggles.