Not the Same

Many people have what we refer to as pet peeves. These are behaviors that a person does, whether consciously or unconsciously, that drive another person crazy. There are far too many examples to list, but I imagine anyone reading this could name a few of their own pet peeves.

I am no exception.

I remember posting a Facebook status about one of my pet peeves–people driving under or just at the speed limit in the left lane. I like to drive above the speed limit. It isn’t hard to figure out that the left lane is supposed to be the faster lane. I admit to bouts of road rage as I “encourage ” the pokey person to get out of my way.

Recently, a new pet peeve has been added to my list. This one is difficult because I think people usually mean well but fail to realize their words are having an opposite effect.

Last week my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson my only grandchild) moved. My heart is broken. Having my grandson close by, being asked to watch him for a few hours or keep him overnight made me feel needed again. Now that they are no longer living close enough to see on a regular basis, I feel unloved and unneeded.  Whether that is actually true or not is irrelevant to this broken heart. So many people have said that I can visit him.

Duh. Of course I can visit him. But that is nowhere near the same as living close enough to see him multiple times a week. He won’t remember me. He may not give me a big smile like he did when he came to my house so often. I can’t rock him to sleep since he won’t be spending nights here.

It’s nowhere near the same. I’m not needed anymore, at least not like I used to be. I feel God is punishing me…maybe even doesn’t love me anymore. I miss my daughter. I will miss out on so much of my grandson’s life now. I never had grandparents as a child. I so wanted to be the grandma I never had. Now I won’t get that chance.

Visiting, even once a month, is just not the same as being involved in his life. The hurt right now is raw. I have on more than one occasion fought the very strong urge to just give up on life. In fact, I am writing this because I was laying in bed thinking how useless I am now. I write to distract myself this morning. It isn’t eloquent. It isn’t uplifting. It is real and painful and raw. I miss him beyond words and already have a visit planned. Still, I would give my life right now to drive the 20 minutes I used to drive just to get some baby snuggles.

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About becmom45

Wife of one, mom of four, mom-in-law to two, grammy to one precious little boy; lover of snow, autumn, pumpkins, cats, books, baking, Charles Wysocki puzzles, Christmas; honest, raw author who hopes what is written here enlightens and educates those fortunate enough to not understand the demons chronicled.
This entry was posted in Change, depression, famiy, Grandma, Grandson, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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