I have reached what I am calling a crossroads moment in life. I have some decisions to make.
Actually, I have ONE decision to make, and two options from which to choose.
The road only goes two ways.
This Way and That Way.
This Way is the road I have been on for the last several months. It has been a difficult path, but walking it has gotten easier since telling myself that this is just how life is going to be. I’ve battled depression most of my life, so a depressed person is my destiny. I’ve struggled with alcohol addiction in the past, so alcohol is destined to be a part of my life. I’ve never had many friends, so a lonely person is just who I am destined to be. I’ve had a track record of making poor decisions, so poor decisions are just going to be what identifies me. This Way is characterized by landmarks such as depression, alcohol use (and abuse), loneliness, pain, hurting those I love, and feeling like no one gives a damn anyway so why bother.
That Way is the road that I have come to. I’ve been on that road before too. It just doesn’t seem to be a road that I can stick to walking. For some reason, I always find myself back on This Way. That Way is characterized by decisions that, while initially difficult and painful, eventually lead to a better and healthier life and attitude. These decisions could include doing the hard work of replacing negative thought patterns, abstaining from alcohol, eating better and generally taking better care of my health, cultivating relationships that are healthy, and attending to the spiritual part of me.
I hate failing, and since I’ve already failed at That Way more than once, it seems so much safer to stay on This Way. I’m pretty comfortable here.
Except, I’m really not.
Part of me wants to concede to the world–to give into what my body desires–whether that be alcohol or gluten–with the attitude that I’m not getting out of here alive anyway. I may as well enjoy the time I’m here. You know the saying, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you die.” I kind of like that as a mantra.
Another part, though, whispers to stand against the world. It flashes pictures of my husband, kids, and grandson. It whispers that they want me to be here–really be here, in each moment–not in a fake, drunken happy but rather a genuine love for life happy.
Why is it that I usually give in to the beckoning of This Way over That Way?
This Way screams at me.
That Way whispers to me.
If God really does love me, and if others who claim to love me really do, why is it that I don’t hear those voices all the time? Sometimes I think I do, but upon further inspection, realize that it was most likely the wind whispering through the trees and not God or anyone else at all.
I am at a crossroads in life. This Way and That Way are my only two choices. I need to make a decision quickly, for the night is closing in to swallow me…