If you are a reader of this blog, you know that the past several months have been excruciatingly difficult. Most people who would normally read this will not be able to now due to the fact that I have deactivated my Facebook account. Most of the readers of this blog were referred here via Facebook.
So why the deactivation of that account?
I have written in the past about how Facebook negatively contributes to my emotional health. I have deactivated the account in the past, but I always returned to the site, even though I knew what would happen when I did. This time, though, I plan to keep that account deactivated for an extended period of time–possibly forever. It’s quite difficult for me to see and read statuses that are joyfully proclaiming the very thing I miss the most in my life. Maybe that makes me a horrible person. If so, I will have to live with that.
Facebook isn’t the only thing I need to take a break from though. This blog has been an outlet for me to express my feelings honestly. I have, over the past several months, gotten mixed comments about my honesty. Some have affirmed it–said that it was refreshing to read something that someone wasn’t making up to try to make oneself look good. Others have blasted me for being honest. A few have unfriended me on Facebook because of my honesty. That stings the heart of someone already struggling with depression. When I started writing here, I was very transparent that my writing would always be honest. I know so many fake people–some are fake in their attitude while others try to hide how old they are by spending lots of money on hair and makeup. I have no desire to be fake. I could. I can spin words well enough to make almost anything I write believable. That wasn’t what I wanted though. I know I am not the only person, not the only Christian, to live with debilitating depression. I only wish others would be as honest. That said, for a time, I will not be writing public posts here. I plan to do all my writing in a private offline journal the old fashioned way–with pen on paper. I may occasionally write here, but most likely those posts will be for my eyes only as a reference for a future time should I ever leave the darkness of this disease.
Most likely, at some point in time, I will return to publically blogging here. For now, though, I need to know I can be honest without repercussion that will further affect me negatively. My Facebook account has been deactivated for several days. I already notice less angst in my mind and heart. If staying off of Facebook and privately journaling makes that angst disappear completely, it will be well worth the friendships I may lose. Besides, I wonder how many of the people on my friends list really cared anyway…