The above image appeared as a post in my Facebook newsfeed one day a couple weeks ago. It resonated deep within me. It has not been a secret that the last year has been insanely difficult. Narrowing that down even more, the last nine months have been, by far, incomparably difficult to anything I’ve experienced and had to walk through in the last twenty year period. Some of the most trying events were played out on social media, much to my regret. I not only regret posting about said events, I regret how many of those posts affected the people in my life who I love. I’ve been given a “gift” over the last six weeks. It certainly isn’t a gift I would seek out, but in its own strange way, it is a gift, for it has given me much time to think about the battles I have faced and the battles I continue to face.
This is where the above image comes into focus. You see, in the last six weeks I have been hospitalized twice for the same illness–pneumonia and sepsis. The most recent hospitalization was five days. In those five days, doctors were stumped, a lung specialist was brought in, but he didn’t have any quick answers either. Doctors have a theory what caused the same illness so close together, but it is just that, a theory. If their theory is correct, the five days I spent in the hospital last week into this week will be repeated without warning. I think already having a chronic illness predisposes me to future bouts of sickness. Disease progression are words one never wants to hear.
After all the above written about my health, you may think that is why these last several months have been so difficult. If you know me in person, you may think my MS or my depression is the battle(s) I fight that people know nothing about.
If that is what you think when someone says my name to you, you’d be wrong. When I started writing this blog, I said I would not sugar coat what it is like to have a chronic illness, nor would I try to hide the dark battle I fight with depression. Those two conditions, whether they are hitting individually or simultaneously, are enough to push a person to the edge. But, as the meme above reminds, sometimes people are going through something that no one knows anything about.
That is where I find myself currently. I can count on the fingers of my hands the number of people who really know the trenches our family is walking through. There is reasoning behind that; I am not intentionally sounding cryptic. Suffice it to say that we are being attacked on all sides with no mercy and no end in sight. I have cried more tears than I thought the human eyes could hold. The little faith I had coming off of last year’s big heartbreak has been, once again, shaken to its core. I am holding on by threads again. I have prayed, pleaded with and begged for God to please intervene. So far, his answer has been non existent. Or maybe He is saying “No.” Regardless, the pain will most likely never completely disappear. Some broken hearts never mend. That is a difficult phrase for me to process right now. I don’t want to accept that this is the way things have to be. In reality, though, I know I have no choice in the matter. The trenches, full of foul-smelling standing water, mud, and insects is not a fun place to be. It’s even more unpleasant to be here pretty much alone.
More on that tomorrow though…