The last month has been tough. I have found myself working through the same grief steps I thought I had left behind. Grief can be like a boomerang. Even the hardest of throws does not guarantee it won’t come whizzing back at you. Just when I think I have finally graduated from a place of grief, I find myself right back there again. It has been said that grief work is exhausting. That feels like a gross mis understatement to me. While working through such grief, it is normal to feel down. The degree of the negativity differs with each person. Some are able to function normally, seeming just a little sad over it all, while others border on suicidal because the pain of repeating the process has just become too much to bear. Some even take that final step of suicide. Those are the people who feel most alone in the process of grief and recovery. With no encouragement, no support system, it is easy to become overwhelmed and give in to the voices that whisper, “This is too painful.”
I have been there. I have reached that point, more than once, where life became too much to keep going, and I took the steps necessary to put an end to it all. Obviously, they didn’t work. Someone stepped in and saved me each time. To this day, I resent those people for depriving me of my chance to leave this cruel world and go to my heavenly home with Jesus. How utterly perfect my life would be right now if I had been able to shed the sinful body of this world and put on the heavenly body of the next. I know now God has His reasons for everything. I can’t say I know what the reason for my survival is; it seems I’m not serving any good purpose down here, but my faith is growing and even though I don’t have all the answers, I am starting to see I don’t need to.
This leads me to the subject of this entry: music. I have always loved music. It has always extremely annoyed me that I am not good at it. I’d give anything to be able to sing beautifully. I’d even settle for okay! So often growing up I dreamed of singing in front of the church like I had watched others do. To being joy to people via music would have been a dream come true. Sadly, like the dream of owning a small hobby farm in the country, my music dream will never come true. Still, music is a go-to when the grief of life’s trials are weighing me down. There are a plethora of songs I have on my Spotify playlist that I turn to in grief. Some speak to me with the words of the song. Others evoke a happy memory that takes my mind off the grief at hand. Others point me to the One who is able to make me whole again even as others trample me under foot. I want to share twelve of the top songs I listen to when dark, intrusive thoughts begin to fill my head. Any of them can be looked up on You Tube if you want to hear all of the song and/or watch the video. Most are Christian songs but not all of them are.
**Remind me You’re Here by Jason Gray: The perfect song to start with. Reasons do not take the pain away. Reasons do not fix the situation. Only God can do that.
“And I won’t ask You for reasons
‘Cause a reason can’t wipe away tears
No, I don’t need all the answers
Just be here beside me
Father, remind me You’re here
Here”
**Weary Traveller by Jordon St. Cyr: This song is so encouraging with its lyrics. It implores those who are weary to keep going, for this is not the end but only the beginning of our journeys.
“Weary traveler, restless soul
You were never meant to walk this road alone
It’ll all be worth it so just hold on
Weary traveler, you won’t be weary long.”
**Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham: I love this song because it reminds me who is really in charge of my life. The battles I face I don’t have to face alone. I also especially love to hear my son sing this one.
“So when I fight, I’ll fight on my knees
With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I’ll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You.”
**Hold on to Me by Lauren Daigle: This song reminds me that I don’t have to muster all the strength in the world to survive. Even in the darkest of nights, God will hold on to me.
“Hold on to me when it’s too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again”
**Class of 57 by The Statler Brothers: This is one of those songs that bring back happy memories. I wasn’t even alive in 1957, but my older siblings had this album. I had dreams when I graduated from high school. Most of them blew away like dust. The older I got the more I understood the last stanza.
“But living life, day-to-day
Is never like it seems
Things get complicated
When you get past eighteen
But the class of ’57 had its dreams.”
**Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash: This song has a hollow feel to it, the same hollowness that a Sunday morning brings to my soul. I’ve never been able to explain it, but Sunday mornings have always left me with a melancholy feeling.
“On the Sunday morning sidewalk
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
‘Cause there’s something in a Sunday
Makes a body feel alone
There ain’t nothin’ short of dyin’
Half as lonesome as the sound
On the sleepin’ city sidewalks
Sunday mornin’ comin’ down.”
**I Know Who Holds Tomorrow by Alison Krauss: Again, a reminder that I don’t need to know what is going to happen because I can trust the One who does.
“Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.”
**Suppertime by Joey + Rory: The older I get the more I spend time thinking about the past. This song evokes strong memories of carefree days of childhood spent outside until my mom would call us to come home for dinner. It is a comforting song.
“Many years ago in days of childhood
I used to play ’til evenin’ shadows come
Then windin’ down an old familiar pathway
I heard my mother call at set of sun
Come home, come home, it’s suppertime
The shadows lengthen fast
Come home, come home, it’s suppertime
We’re going home at last”
**Sow Mercy by Mark Lowry: This heartwarming song is about a boy who is learning to plant a garden with his grandma. While she teaches him about seeds of the earth, she is also teaching him about seeds of the soul.
“Sow mercy
Sow grace
Sow kindness
Sow faith
Words are like water, sprinkled with love
You will harvest all your heart’s been dreaming of
Sow mercy”
**A Place in the Choir by Celtic Thunder: This is just a fun song that reminds me that God created us all to have a place. This is a hard concept for me since I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and no one really cares, but God has made a place for the opera-like bird to the bullfrog singing bass to the cricket who “sings” with his legs.
“All God’s creatures got a place in the choir
Some sing low and some sing higher,
Some sing out loud on a telephone wire,
Some just clap their hands, or paws, or anything they’ve got now”
**Me on Your Mind by Matthew West: Everything God did He did for me. He created color and beauty for me. He created delicious tastes and heavenly smells for me. He came to earth and died for me. This song reminds me how special I am to God.
“Who am I that the King of the world
Would give one single thought about my broken heart?
Who am I that the God of all grace
Wipes the tears from my face and says, “Come as you are”?
You paid the price, You took the cross
You gave Your life and You did it all with me on Your mind”
**Run to the Father by Cody Carnes: This was once my little grandson’s favorite song. I can picture myself running to the only place that knows exactly what I need and being received there by the only One who can give it.
“I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I’m done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I’ll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again”
Ramblings of a Snow-Loving Pilgrim 